Born To Suck
by Chicken Yuki
Summary: The Witch Princess is giddy to hear from the residents of ForgetMeNot Valley that the new farmer is irresponsible. She soon sees great hope in acquiring a partner in crime for her mischief, but when she sees him for herself, she has second thoughts...
1. Born To Suck

**_Disclaimer:_**_ I don't own the rights to Harvest Moon. Get over it._**  
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**Harvest Moon: Born To Suck**

In the confines of the Lacreme Villa's Guest House, a certain Witch Princess is busy brewing a new concoction with various poisoned herbs found across the region.

She had tussled honey blonde hair with mischievous crimson eyes, and dressed in mystical violet robes.

"A little red grass her, and a toadstool there." She muttered and sighed. "I can't believe what it is I have to make with all this stuff! But then again, I've learned there have always been a few unexpected quirks that go along with my job."

After letting the substance boil for a few more minutes, she snapped her fingers, and the excessive bubbling began to subside. She then gave a funny look at an extensive book to her right.

"Emergency Anti-toxin, eh? Phoey. If I had full run of this gig, I'd be upping the production of some havoc potions! But I guess it's needed to ensure the survival of my Clan's bloodline, eh? All these crazy poisons that only us magical folk can contract… it drives me crazy sometimes!" she growled.

Suddenly, she heard some chatter from outside. The curious Princess decided to leave her work aside and catch up on whatever gossip was going on. She snapped her fingers once more and appeared outside into the lavish Villa courtyard, surrounded by a mystical veil.

Outside, the two members of the Lacreme family and their butler were talking to each other in earnest.

"I still can't believe it! That's got to be the 10th cow this week to fall by his hands! I absolutely have no clue where he gets the funds to continue buying livestock, but this is just plain cruel!" a nicely-dressed brown-haired young lady with hazelnut eyes cried.

"Not just cruel… that's bad business sense! Even if his granddad left him some enormous inheritance none of us knew about, he's certainly loosing good money at that rate. I even heard that the lad is doing poorly with the crops, buying seeds at the wrong season and drowning them out, or smashing up the plants he actually gets right. The poor boy should just throw in the towel… unless he's some sadist off his rocker." An elderly woman with wild grey hair and small round glasses complained.

"I've heard the young lad has better luck in the mines and gets his profit from there, but he keeps on passing out in the deeper levels and have been forcibly dragged out of there by Mayor Thomas by an amount to large to count. Perhaps he's a masochist, as well…" An erect old man with colonial-style wig chimed in.

"Well, I can't stand it anymore! He can make himself turn black and blue daily for all I care, but he should finally leave the farm animals out of his torture-fest! An irresponsible farmer like that has no business raising any form of life!" the young lady shouted.

"Well, I'm afraid the way our farmer treats his animals is out of our hands, Lumina. The farm and everything on it is rightfully his property by legal means. The only option we have is to buy him out and have somebody else take care of the land. But… even with our wealth, I'm afraid that's too costly. Unless you're willing to do all the hard work yourself?" the old lady explained.

"Uh… well, if it means stopping the madness, then I will, Grandma! Go ahead and buy the farm away from that man! I'll be more than happy to keep it in shape myself, even if I have to dirty my hands!" the girl named Lumina answered.

"Oh my… oh dear. I wasn't expecting you to take that last part seriously. Honestly, I can't have your Piano Practice consumed by Farm chores and all that! And the mere thought of getting your hands dirty… how dreadful!" Lumina's Grandmother panicked. "No, we MUST allow the farmland to endure it's ill care until a suitable replacement can be found!"

"But Grandma!!!" Lumina whined.

"I'm afraid what Lady Romana says, will go, Miss Lumina. In all honesty, I'd rather go out there and tend that farm myself instead of that cad, but I have you two to look after." The proper man lamented.

"Sebastian…" Lumina sighed.

"Alright! So we stop this chatter about Farm abuse for the moment, okay? Right now, Lumina has some practice to catch up to." Romana insisted.

"Ugh, Grandma!" Lumina huffed.

"Come now, there's no time to waste! We have to get to work immediately!" Romana insisted.

The secluded Witch Princess smirked as the three went inside.

"Wow… 10 cows in a week? Dang. I thought the 1st one I heard about was a clumsy mistake by some clueless rookie, but it sound like he's going for the record books! He certainly looked like a clueless doof out in the middle of nowhere when I first laid eyes on him, but I guess there was more to the guy than meets the eyes. He sounds cruel enough… maybe even more of a troublemaker than me?" she thought to herself.

The Witch stood by with a concerned look on her face for a minute.

"Nah… he can't possible threaten the Princess in her specialty! Still, he sounds like a lot of fun! How about I do a little espionage and discover a few more of his exploits from the locales?" she said with anticipation.

With that declaration made, the Witch Princess snapped her fingers one more time and sent herself in a flash to the entrance of Forget-Me-Not Valley's Inner Inn.

"Perfect! At this time, I'm sure I'll hear plenty more. And I'm in luck! Today, one of the animal service people should have stopped by!" The Witch Princess cheered.

The perceiving witch went right on to see a lass with fluffy pink hair talking with a black-haired, beady-eyed woman behind a counter.

"I can't believe that jerk of a farmer, Ruby! I thought he would wise up eventually, but I can't even stand checking up on him anymore! He's the worst!" The pink-haired girl shouted while shaking her white dress. "Now I know for sure it was a good idea to cut him off of our Poultry Farm Service! I don't know how I could've handled the idea of one of our cute little chickens in the hands of that jerk!"

"Ah, so you've actually seen the new farmer for yourself, Popuri? Yeah, I've heard about his horrible reputation all over the valley, but I doubt any of us have ever actually met him properly. What makes you so hard on him, anyway?" the counter woman asked.

The girl named Popuri looked off to the side in deep frustration.

"That guy actually showed up in Mineral Town before, and he said he was coming here to be the new farmer. He wanted to buy from us, but he didn't have enough, so Mom offered him an egg at discount price. He looked all thankful and everything for Mom's nice gesture, but then do you know what he does once he goes right out the door? He drops the egg! The unlatched egg that has yet to grow up into a cute baby chick! And then he has the nerve to tell us that he'd rather raise ducks instead! The NERVE of him!" Popuri growled.

"Really? That's funny, because I hear he's not doing so well with Ducks, either. Or for that matter, cattle… or even fauna." the attendant named Ruby added.

"I know! Not only is he cruel to unborn baby chickens, he's a heartless hypocrite, too! Now even the ducks are suffering because of him! And while they may not be chickens, they're still one of the cutest poultry around! I still remember feeding bread to those birdies when Dad's around, but I bet the new farmer's too busy scheming to make them an endangered species, isn't he?"

"Isn't that… a bit of an exaggeration?" Ruby asked nervously.

"I don't know. Have you heard Takakura's recent death doll he's observed by the farmer's Pool of Doom?" Popuri asked with a coy look.

Ruby gulped.

"Exactly. I've been actually been learning a lot from "Uncle" Takky, and you know what he told me lately? He actually admitted that he wished I had inherited the farm instead!" Popuri cried.

Suddenly, the pink-haired girl lowered her reddened face.

"I guess… "Uncle" Takky sees me as a really good student, but… this still doesn't change the fate of those poor animals."

"I see, well then… maybe you can do something about it! You're practically an adult now, and If Takakura says you'd make a capable farmer, maybe you could bring the point to Mayor Thomas and use the negligent farmer's reputation to your advantage!" Ruby suggested.

Suddenly, Popuri was struck with inspiration.

"You mean, I could protest?" Popuri asked.

"Sure!" Ruby encouraged. "You're a good girl, Popuri! I'm sure Mayor Thomas and your family will listen to reason if you're courteous about it!"

"Maybe… but, a lot of people still see me as a child. Especially that pain of a brother, Rick." Popuri sighed.

"Well then, get someone who doesn't see you in that way to help work it all out! Takakura leaves the Valley quite a bit. I'm sure he wouldn't mind vouching for you!" Ruby insisted.

"Oh…yeah! That's a good idea! If I could actually take over the farm here… I could be saving dozens of animals from falling victim to that inconsiderate farmer! Thank you, Ruby!" Popuri cried.

"You're welcome, Popuri." Ruby replied. "So, seeing as how an aspiring farmer like you can easily work up an appetite, how about I make you a nice, delicious omelet?"

"Yay!" Popuri cheered.

Somewhere close by, the magically-hidden Witch Princess laughed to herself.

"This farmer's so bad that they'd kick him out of his position and replace him with some hyperactive cutesy girl? This is just rich!" The Witch Princess thought with glee. "I think it's about time I pay this guy a special visit."

And so, the Witch Princess once again snapped her fingers, leaving the Inn at a blink's time and reappearing right at the farm. Indeed, the land itself appeared to be in chaos. Ruffled duck feathers were strewn by the pool, numerous cow graves took up what should've been crop soil, and the amount that managed to be spared was filled with withered plants.

"Heh… he really let this place go! This is just too great!" The Witch Princess squealed. "Alright, time to go congratulate the man of the hour himself and---"

Her praise was cut short by wailing. In the middle of the "field of death", a young man with brown hair and overalls was bawling his eyes out while holding a dying sprout in his hands.

"EVERYTHING I TEND DIES!!!" he shouted as his ceaseless tears flowed like rivers.

"Uh… okay. This is new… and depressing." The Witch Princess sighed. "I like chaos and sadism, but depression is something I'd rather not touch with a 30 foot pole. It makes… ugh… guilt."

The disgusted witch snapped her fingers to remove her veil of secrecy to expose herself. She then approached to distraught farmer slowly and cautiously.

"Why do the ducks keep dying on me? I thought they would love a little more water to swim in, but then they just keep drowning. And all those cows… why is it that

Every time they get, it's always on the days when the Animal barns are closed and unable to offer some medicine to heal them on time?! Honestly thought it would be nice to grow some Pumkins in the Spring for once to have that home made taste… why is everything going wrong? Why does fate seem to despise me?" he uttered to himself.

The Witch Princess paused to stare blankly at the hopeless farmer.

"Okay… so this guy is a total moron. Now it makes sense! Darn! And I thought I finally had a partner in crime to work with! Well, I guess I can't just leave this place infested with depression." She thought with a sigh.

She then resumed approaching the farmer until she stood right behind him.

"Um… hello?" he uttered reluctantly.

"AAHH!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" the farmer cried out as he leapt back.

"Er, no… I'm not here to run you out of town like the other folk. I was actually about to complement you on your work, but I see it really is all some disastrous accident…" the Witch groaned.

"Y-you're … you're not hear to chew me out and condemn me for being a murderer of all life?" the farmer gulped.

"I'm not. But, for the record, you're quite possibly the worst farmer who ever tried. Congratulations." The Witch Princess replied in a frank tone.

The farmer boy suddenly dropped to his knees. His sad eyes dilated to a heavy extent and started gushing out the tears.

"IT'S TRUE!!! I FAIL AS A FARMER, AND AT LIFE!!! I'M A LOSER JUST LIKE MY PARENTS SAY IAM!!! I'VE FAILED YOU, GRANDPA!!!" he shouted.

"H-hey… sorry! And no need to get a little overdramatic!" The Witch Princess uttered nervously. "Even if you fail at farming, I really do like what you've got going n here! Heck, it shows guts to keep going and leaving a swarm of death in your wake until you get it right! I could actually use a guy with your natural talents at my side and---"

"NO-HOO! NOW EVEN AN INCARNATION OF EVIL WANTS MY SOUL FOR MY SINS!!!" the farmer shouted.

"Wow… this guy makes a caricature of Cliff sound like the happiest man alive." The Witch Princess thought.

"Hey, I wouldn't necessarily go as far as say "evil". "Chaotic", maybe, but not all out evil. But come on, now. You can't be all sappy! Didn't you break some unhatched egg or something back in Mineral Town cuz you thought chickens suck or something?

"N-no… not that accident! Curse my clumsiness! I just… I just wanted to hold that generous gift securely in my hand and it slipped! Godess, not again!!!" the farmer wailed.

"Um…. Okay… this has been extremely awkward." The Witch thought in disgust

while staring at the melodramatic farming boy.

She then backed away from the living fountain of tears and pondered once more.

"Yeesh, I can't just leave this guy running around depressed. Not only will the rest of the Magical Realm blame me for the lack of Harvest Goddess running around due to this guy's incompetence, depression seems to have a really odd affect on the valley." She concluded.

She then took one more look at the farmer and made a sympathetic face.

"Yeah… it wouldn't be right to have this poor guy suffer and--- wait a minute. I'm thinking strange thoughts. The weirdo stuff is happening already. Better cut this short before I totally loose it." Se thought to herself.

The Witch Princess then snapped her fingers and a book appeared out of thin air.

"Alright, quit your bawling. Maybe this will help." The Witch princess said as she held out the book to him.

"How… how will a book help me?" the farmer asked.

"Take a look at the cover, smarty-pants." The Witch Princess.

The farmer then snatched the book and saw for himself. It was a book on farming tips and animal care.

"Really? I can have this?" the farmer asked in a humbled tone.

"Sure, sure. I just conjured it to keep you from getting all angsty on me. Not like I need it for myself." The Witch grumbled.

The young farmer gasped long and hard, then leapt at the witch and hugged her tightly.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you, kind witch person! I'll use your gift to become a worthy farmer! I promise!" he cried with joy.

At this point, the Harvest Witch was beat red, but her annoyance vastly overpowered her embarrassment for the moment. She then removed herself from the hug discreetly.

"Yeah, sure. Just… get to improving your farming immediately. I have a lot of work to do!" the Witch said before she tried to leave.

"Wait! We haven't introduced each other yet! I'm Jim Thom!" the farmer cried.

"Eh… I'm the Witch Princess. You can call me Princess… or even "Evil" if you feel like it. Just make it clear you're talking to me if we ever meet again." The Witch Princess said back.

"But… according to a stub attached the book, this was sent to a "Minerva Madelyn". Jim said as he looked inside the book. He looked back up to ask the witch about this discovery, but she was already gone in a flash.

Back at the Lacreme Guest House, the Witch Princesss looked burning mad.

"I thought I made it clear that I didn't want stuff I conjured to have my name on it!!!!" she shouted furiously. "Ugh… why did my parents have to stuck me with an embarrassing name like "Minerva"?! It sounds stupid… even for an old-fashioned name!"

After blowing off some steam, the Witch Princess spotted one of her various herbs and looked at it solemnly.

"I wonder how that Jim guy will be doing from this day onward? Maybe with that little assist from me, he can finally get enough Harvest Sprites saved to free that annoying Goddess from wherever I sent her, and I won't be in trouble anymore."

Suddenly, "Minerva" formed yet another mischievous smile on her face.

"Yes… how convenient. Just let the guy do all the dirty work of bringing that pest back. Then, when that day finally comes, I can get my REAL revenge on her and shut her up for good!" she cried.

Filled with anticipation for the future, the royal witch cackled in devious mirth.


	2. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_A few weeks later, despite young Jim's efforts to improve, he could not do so in time to save him from being ousted as the valley's farmer in place_ _of an earnest Popuri._

_Instead, the former farmer begun his life anew by living in the Inner Inn and doing the two things he was really good at:_

_Mining, and gathering._

_His new occupations had allowed him to save a few Harvest Sprites, save the local Doctor some time off his work, and even help the Witch Princess in her occasional endeavors. And he no longer had to worry so much about fatigue thanks to the quality produce of the new farmer._

_Under the care of Popuri, the newly-dubbed "Fluffy Farm" had truly thrived. The chickens she had brought over from the Poultry Farm were as content as they could be with hugs and corn feed, and the cows sang as they ate fresh grass. Even the fields were blessed with the beautiful splendor well-loved fruits and vegetables. Takakura couldn't be more proud of his willing student._

_Thanks to the joint efforts of Jim Thom and Popuri, the Harvest Goddess finally returned to the valley along with certain peace. The members of the valley praised their newest farmer in deep gratitude. As for Jim Thom, everyone had still come to loathe him deeply for his past transgressions despite his excellent job as a miner/gather. Apparently, the people of Forget-Me-Not Valley are very unforgiving._

_As for the Witch Princess, while she appreciated Jim Thom's efforts to help her, she still had a score to settle with a haughty Harvest Goddess. The two once again met by the Goddess Spring for a showdown._

_Nobody knows what happened to both since then…_


End file.
